Earl, I need you to drive over to joy's
And punch her in the face.
I don't think that's a good idea, randy.
Are you saying that because it's a great idea?
She did it again,
Didn't she? Uh-huh.
And it was a real fancy bird.
(sam the sham and the pharaohs' "wooly bully" begins)
Earl: randy had invested a lot
Of his time and my money into the crab shack claw machine.
I won a horse!
Who won a horse?
But, thanks to joy,
He didn't have much to show for it.
I won a spider! I will take that.
Thank you.
¶ and a wooly jaw, wool bully... ¶
I won a bird dressed up for a wedding!
And you're not getting it.
¶ wooly bully ¶
Catch. (gasps)
(toy squeaks, joy laughs)
¶ watch it now, watch it ¶
¶ you got it, you got it. ¶
(sobbing)
Randy, you're 32 years old.
I can't protect you from your bullies forever.
You need to learn to stick up for yourself.
Joy's not going anywhere.
She's a part of our lives. Man!
I'm always going to regret giving her that heimlich.
I mean, first she sued me and now this?!
Look, I know I go overboard looking out for you,
But I'm not doing it anymore.
And while we're at it,
I'm not kissing your boo-boos anymore, either.
It's getting awkward.
Even when we're alone?
Especially when we're alone.
You know the kind of guy who does nothing
But bad things and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me.
(shutter clicks)
Every time something good happened to me,
Something bad was always waiting around the corner.
Karma.
That's when I realized I had to change.
So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done,
And one by one, I'm going
To make up for all my mistakes.
I'm just trying to be a better person.
Captioning sponsored by 20th century fox television
And volkswagen. It's what the people want.
Earl: while randy was bummed
Because joy kept taking his claw machine toys,
I was kind of happy (sighs loudly)
'cause it reminded me of something on my list.
(hums loudly)
Randy, this tantrum is getting out of control.
Here we go.
"#32: bullied wally panzer."
When I was in the eighth grade,
My parents made a last-ditch effort to fix me:
Catholic school.
I knew that the new kid at school usually got picked on
Unless there was someone lower on the totem pole than him.
So I decided to make that happen.
(screams)
That kid loves butterflies.
And he hates when they die!
(continues screaming) wally panzer.
More like wally pansy.
And once I smelled blood in the water, I didn't let up.
Hey, everyone, look.
It's pant-less pansy.
But, like most things in life,
I pushed it too far.
Even thought I got kicked out, my legacy lived on.
Wally wasn't hard to find,
Since if you hadn't left camden by grade school,
Odds are you weren't leaving camden at all.
Okay, the way I remember it,
This guy was pretty delicate as a kid,
So try to be as friendly as possible.
I don't want to spook him.
(sighs)
What do you want?
Uh, are you, uh, w-wally panzer?
Yeah. Who are you?
Cliff.
You here about my ad in the penny saver?
Mm-hmm. Awesome!
I hope you're ready for some pain.
I'm going to get my belt.
Man, you must be scared. You forgot your name.
I didn't forget my name, randy.
I just don't want him to know who I am.
Why is he getting his belt?
That's what dad used to say. Are we going to get spanked?!
I guess it depends on what's in his ad.
Why didn't you just tell him why you're here?
Because, if I tell him who I am, he'll probably kill me.
I'm going to have to try to cross him of the list
Without him ever knowing who I am.
We're just going to have to take our chances with the ad.
What if his ad is sex?
I hope it's not sex. (door opens)
All right.
You guys ready to pump?
Oh, god!
He does want to have sex with us.
"us"? You.
Cliff answered the ad.
Come on. Let's hit the gym.
(sighs)
We're going to work out together. Awesome.
I hope this gym has group showers
Like the ones we had at school.
I want to show everybody I have hair now.
I wasn't sure how karma was going to feel about me lying.
But it turns out, karma already had a plan in motion.
To torture me the way I'd tortured wally.
What the hell'd you do that for?!
To get us pumped!
Come on, cliff. Hit me back.
Go ahead.
Good.
(grunts)
Wally was so hard-core,
He'd already broken three partners before me.
Come on, cliff. Push it!
You can do it. Two more!
It's all you.
How about a little less me and a little more you?
Here we go.
It slipped. I'll get it.
Come on.
What do you say we take a quick break?
So I figured if I got big and strong,
My bully would leave me alone.
How long do I have to bounce on this thing
Before I look like you guys?
If you want to really get ripped,
You got to work with some free weights.
Good, 'cause I don't have any money.
Don't worry, man.
We'll buff you out.
So, uh, how big is your bully?
About this tall,
This wide and...
About a 32c.
Wait. Your bully's a girl?
A really tough girl.
32c.
Dude, if your bully's a girl,
It's not about how big you are.
It's about confidence.
What you need
Is 100% pure shark adrenaline.
It'll turn you into a beast!
You'll destroy
Everyone and everything that gets in your way.
Especially baby seals.
Mmm, man, what I wouldn't give
For a baby seal right now.
(both grunt) cool.
So what's it taste like?
The drugs, not the baby seal.
I know what those taste like. Oh, you don't
Drink this; you inject it into your scrotum.
Yeah...
(screams)
Oh, my god!
That's my scrotum?!
(screams)
(groans, grunts)
Mr. Camden, huh?
Pretty big deal.
I was there when mr. Camden 1998 cut the ribbon
At the opening ceremony of the new welfare office.
Me and my brother were third in line.
Eh, the mr. Camden competition is stupid.
"stupid"? Really?
Look at all this stuff you could win.
You could get a month's worth
Of something called "dvd rentals,
"an office-quality paper shredder,
"and a gift certificate for all-you-can eat sushi
From sensei yum-yums."
Okay, fine.
Yes, of course I want to win.
It's always been a dream of mine.
But there's just some stuff I'm not willing to do.
Wally told me competing in mr. Camden
Involved a lot of things other than just muscles.
You were expected to shave everything
That wasn't covered by tiny pants,
Have a head-to-toe tan
And oil yourself like a catcher's mitt.
And wally wasn't into that stuff.
(grunting)
I don't care if that contest comes with a talking pet monkey.
It ain't worth turning myself into a pansy!
I knew something was wrong
'cause no man would turn down a talking pet monkey.
Then I realized me calling wally a "pansy"
When we were kids was stopping him
From trying to be mr. Camden.
Randy, you're not going to believe what just happened.
I was just going to say the same thing.
I know how I can cross wally off my list.
I'm going to help him get over his fear,
So he can win the mr. Camden competition.
See you later, buddy.
I just got a shot in my balls.
Look, I've been thinking,
You're the biggest, strongest guy I've ever seen.
You should be mr. Camden.
It just makes sense, like how the biggest,
Strongest peanut became mr. Peanut.
What?
It's true. Don't you ever read the jar?
Cliff, dudes like me and you,
We don't do all that pansy stuff.
We wear flannel.
We have body hair.
We really like soups that are so hearty you eat them with a fork.
Are you kidding? I'm totally going to do
All that bodybuilder stuff, as soon as I'm ripped like you.
Why do you think I was looking for a training partner?
I don't know, cliff.
Come on. We'll do it together.
Two men shaving, tanning,
Oiling each other up...
We won't talk about it. We'll just do it.
All right.
If a man's man like you can do it,
Then I guess I can, too.
Hot damn!
I'm going to be mr. Camden.
Let's get psyched.
(screams)
Good. Good.
Uh, could we work out, uh, some kind of signal
Before you do that?
Just like marcus and kyle had promised,
That shark adrenaline was starting
To affect randy's attitude.
Hand over the floppy puppy.
You're not getting my floppy puppy.
Give me the floppy puppy.
No! Mine! Mine!
Kill her! Kill her!
I know a guy who can make any death look like a suicide.
(growls)
Keep the stupid dog.
Big baby.
I did it! Victory!
I got my floppy puppy!
But I had to burn through my week's supply
Of that shark's adrenaline.
I'm going to need more.
Well, kyle should be back from...
Now!
To help wally win the mr. Camden title,
I was going to have to do some things
That made me uncomfortable.
Smooth, but uncomfortable.
I don't know.
This doesn't feel right.
Come on. It's perfectly manly to do this.
And these lady razors are exactly like the men's.
They're just a little more flexible
To move with the contours of our legs.
Okay.
It looked like
I had wally on the road to becoming mr. Camden.
I just didn't know trouble was coming around the corner.
Bros, what the hell?!
Relax, randy, we're just shaving for the competition.
What are you competing for, who gets to be on the bottom?
Pansies.
What's he talking about?
Tell him, cliff.
We're not pansies!
"cliff"? You still sticking
With that name? You haven't told him
Who you really are?
What are you talking about, randy?
I-I-I am who I am.
I'm cliff.
Man, I don't know
Which one of you's a bigger pansy:
Wally, for actually being a pansy,
Or you for being too afraid to tell him
Your real name... Earl.
Wait a minute.
"earl"?
"pansy"?
Earl hickey?
I-I-I-I guess cliff is more of a nickname.
But-but look, I can explain.
I always dreamed I'd run into you again.
Earl hickey.
I-I dream about stuff, too.
(yelps)
I'm glad you're here.
You can clean up my splatter, lady legs.
Randy, what the hell's gotten into you?
Shark adrenaline-- that's what's gotten into me
And I love it! (knocking)
(screams)
(screaming)
Damn it, earl!
Open this door!
J-just give me a second.
Let me at least get my jeans on.
I don't want to die in my underpants!
Unlock it, earl. Take the medicine like a man.
No way!
Why is your pee blue?
(screams): no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
(crashing)
(grunting)
I'm really sorry!
I got a list!
It's a karma list.
It's really hard to explain.
I was just trying to help.
By making me look like a pansy?
No!
(wally grunts)
(groans)
Eh, fella, you want to party?
I'm not sharing mine.
Randy: what the hell
Are you doing, jerk?!
This was my favorite wall!
Randy, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
I wanted to get things under control
Before they got too crazy.
¶ keep your eyes on the road... ¶
(grunting)
(both grunting)
You take back what you said!
(grunts): thanks!
You just released more shark juice from my scrote!
No, no, no! No, randy!
(screams)
Randy, you got to stop this
Before you get...
Wally, hold on!
I'm trying to...
(screams)
Cut it out!
¶ all night long... ¶
It was no fun being
In the middle of two monsters.
But they were monsters I had created.
Randy!
I created one by telling him to stand up for himself
And the other by pushing him down.
(honking)
Sam, I'm going around back to grab some ice.
You mind watching the bar for a second?
Who's a pansy now? Huh?
(grunting)
(thudding)
¶ all night long. ¶
What the...?
There was only one thing that could distract randy
From fighting with wally.
The return of his original bully, joy.
She got my babies!
Sam, may we have a word?
It took me 20 minutes to get to my car,
But I knew I had to do whatever it took
To stop randy before he killed somebody.
And I wasn't the only one looking for him.
Wally was also following the path to destruction.
Hey! Where's the guy who did this? (grunting)
I should've guessed that path to destruction would only
Lead to one place.
So I told that teacher,
"I'm glad my son's flunking spanish."
Frankly, I'd be disappointed if he wasn't.
Oh, god.
I want my claw machine toys!
All of 'em!
Including the ones you took today!
Eugenia, call the police right now.
I'm at...
I'll get you a bag.
Randy was happy he got all of his toys.
Well, except for one. (penguin squeaks)
Give me that bird dressed for a wedding.
Hey, uncle randy.
I said I want my dressed-up birdie, punk.
But it's mine. Mommy got it for me yesterday.
Give me that dressed-up birdie!
(squeaking)
Though nothing had stopped this monster so far,
There was one thing he wasn't prepared for.
(sobbing)
Even though the shark adrenaline
Had completely taken over his brain, there was still
One thing that could get through to the old randy:
The cry of a bullied child,
Especially since this time, he was the bully.
(sobbing)
Oh, my god, what am I doing?
But when I came around that corner,
All I saw was a juiced-up maniac
Heading right for a kid.
(randy screaming)
(grunts, toy squeaks)
Sorry, buddy.
You turned into a monster.
But it wasn't your fault, though.
I pushed you to be a tough guy and stand up to joy,
But you're not a tough guy.
You're a sweet, gentle, sensitive guy.
I shouldn't have made you change.
Being sweet and sensitive is a good thing.
Randy?
Randy didn't hear me
Since his brain was kind of swollen
At the time, but my words did have an effect on someone.
You know what, earl?
I used to be sensitive, too.
Wally had been sensitive,
But I made him ashamed of it back when we were kids.
I'm sorry, wally.
I should've never bullied that out of you.
Something about what I said
Made wally realize that you might be able
To change how you look on the outside,
But you can't change who you are on the inside.
No matter how big and strong
Wally made his outer shell, he couldn't change
The sweetness inside he was trying to protect.
And wally was finally ready to embrace
Both of those people: the bodybuilder
And the little kid who loves butterflies.
And like a butterfly, wally finally came out
Of his cocoon and became the person he was meant to be.
(cheering and applause)
¶ ¶
(grunting)
Sorry again. For what?
Oh, hitting me with the car?
That's okay.
Hey, earl?
Yeah, randy?
You think kryptonite works on people who aren't superman?
I don't know.
Probably not.
What about garlic?
That only works on vampires.
Apples?
I'm pretty sure that's only for doctors.
What are you trying to keep away?
Joy.
Try hummus.
Thanks, earl.
Good night, randy. Good night, earl.
Captioned by apit9